I'm Still Here

I've been mulling this over for the past few weeks, ever since I tried to, and failed, to write a post about the inauguration: What happened to my sense of self? What happened to my life outside of work and my child? I used to have opinions, and express them pretty freely, as many of you, to your detriment, probably know. So, what happened? How did I get sucked into the Mommy bubble like so many other people I know, completely clueless about anything other than diaper cream and sleeping schedules and the hottest trends in onesie couture. (Okay, that last part is a lie. I can't afford couture onsies.)

Part of it is a lack of time. By the time I get home from work, feed Maddie, feed myself (and usually Jon), feed Maddie again, put Maddie to bed, and get the house picked up and ready for tomorrow, there's time for about an hour of downtime with Jon before I head for bed, all assuming I haven't fallen asleep on the couch, again. That doesn't really account for it, though. I still have that hour in which I could be writing blog posts that reflect a little of my views and personality, but I don't do it, and it's not only because I can hardly keep my eyes open through the first 15 minutes of "Chuck." I think that during my pregnancy, when everyone from my family to the clerk at the grocery store was throwing advice my way, I stopped feeling comfortable expressing my opinions, afraid that I might offend someone. (Strangely, very few people seemed to worry about offending the poor, hormonal pregnant woman.) Even right now, I'm willing myself not to just delete this and move on.

So, this is my new promise to me--I'm going to express myself more often, just so I don't lose touch with that part of myself that existed before Maddie. I used to do this all the time in high school. I wrote a column for every issue of the school paper for two years, and I never once worried about offending anyone. (Granted, high schoolers aren't really known for their tact, but don't you sometimes wish you could recapture the sense of bravado and the confidence you had then, back when you really could do anything, and reality hadn't slapped you across the face with a good dose of cynicism?) Anyway, my new goal is to, once a week, post something that's been kicking around in my head, whether it be politics, a book I just read, an NPR segment I listened to, just something that allows me to be me without having to worry about whether anyone else agrees with me.

For instance, I just finished reading my first full-length novel since popping out a baby. (I know she's almost six months old, but remember, one hour of downtime that usually involves sleeping on the couch. And no, reading the fourth installment of the Harry Potter series to her while breastfeeding doesn't count.) I read Annie Proulx's Accordion Crimes, and I have to say it was one of the most depressing books eh-ver. Seriously, people, if you like feeling like the world is a dark and horrible place full of people who do terrible things to each other and it will never get better no matter how long we wait, I highly recommend this book. If, however, you like your days with at least one ray of sunshine, I'd read something else. (To Ms. Proulx's credit, I read and greatly enjoyed The Shipping News. It's on my list of Top Shelf books and the entire reason I picked up Accordian Crimes in the first place.)

All right, the monitor just went off. Me time is over...